I Have Learned that it is not my Fault

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we are sharing powerful stories from current and former SafeHouse clients. 

*Warning* Some of the stories we will share this month do contain details of violence, sexual assault, and/or child abuse. Identifying information may have been removed or changed to protect confidentially. 

"Hi, 

I am a survivor of domestic violence.  Unfortunately, my journey in domestic violence started when I was 10 years old by my step-father.  I did not realize then how it would impact my entire life.  I never had a proper male role model in my life to compare to.  So, I unfortunately have had many relationships that have had domestic violence of some form or other in them. 

People think that domestic violence is only when someone physically harms you.  But there is much more to it than that. Abusers use mental abuse, verbal abuse, with or without physical abuse.  Abusers do everything they can to control you and isolate you from you friends and family.  They make you think that there is something wrong with you when the actual problem is them.

I didn’t understand why I kept getting into one abusive relationship after another.  That is until I started counselling with Katy at Safe House. She is absolutely wonderful.

I have learned that it is not my fault that the relationships in my past were of the domestic violence type.  Unfortunately, abusers know how to spot a person that they can abuse.  While they tend to start out wonderfully, over time they change. 

Katy is teaching me how to spot the red flags and how to set boundaries in my relationships.  She has shown me that I am worth more than I have been lead to believe most of my life.  I do not have to allow ANYONE to abuse me in any fashion. 

We only get one life to live. We should find out who we want to be and then live our life that way.  If someone comes along and crosses our boundaries then we should stand up for ourselves and say no.  If they cannot accept our boundaries then we separate ourselves from them.  Sometimes this is a very difficult thing to do.  So, I thank God for Katy and Safe House!! 

If you are in an abusive situation, please contact Safe House and find a way to a better life!"

Beautifully Flawed

 October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we are sharing powerful stories from current and former SafeHouse clients. 

*Warning* Some of the stories we will share this month do contain details of violence, sexual assault, and/or child abuse. Identifying information may have been removed or changed to protect confidentially. 

"Hello, I am a domestic violence survivor. Sadly abuse and neglect started for me at a very young age. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was an addict. I was never taught how to speak my mind, how to make my own choices, or even how to love myself, due to this love and affection was very unusual and foreign to me. Because of the abuse from my parents I found myself in my first abusive relationship. I had met him on MySpace,  We talked for 3 years before we actually met each other, when we started dating I rushed to move in with him because I thought he was my ticket to escape. It was less than a month when his true side came out. It started out small, he would just run off and not speak to me for a day or two when he was mad at me, he would gaslight, call me names, make fun of me with his friends, and he would do degrading things like pour mustard on my head in front of his friends. He would always treat me like I was unwanted and an inconvenience. Eventually it started getting physical, even more degrading, and at least once every 2 months he would kick me out for a week or 2. I put up with this treatment for 8 years until I was finally fed up.

It drove me to my 2nd and last abusive relationship. I met this guy through my first abuser, they were friends. My second abuser saw what was going on and made me feel like he was my rescuer. He was always there to listen when I needed to talk to someone He listened when I talked, and he gave me the emotional support I needed and wanted. At least that's what I thought he was doing, when in reality he knew I was vulnerable, and he was reeling me in. He was my knight in tin foil. It didn't take my 2nd abuser long before he showed me his true side. He would tell me I was damaged goods and basically how lucky I was that he was there to take care of me. He manipulated me to turn my back on my friends, to think like him, to do what he wanted, and when I'd try to speak up for myself he got violent. His abuse got to the point that he pulled a loaded gun on me and held me against my will at his house. I wanted to leave him but I didn't have the strength I felt stuck.

About two weeks later we got into another argument and he got physical with me again so I went to my grandmother's house to beg her to let me stay there. I was in tears and I was denied. I was so broken at the time because I felt I had no one I felt so alone so I started talking to a guy who was living with my grandmother, I was in tears and broken I started telling him if god exists he sucks, why would god cause so much pain, I declared that I didn't believe in him. I ended up going back to my abuser’s house because I had no choice.

The next morning I was getting ready for work and my grandmother called me, she asked if I was sitting down and I said yes, she told me that my eldest brother passed away I remember feeling so numb at that moment. Losing my brother was the hardest thing I have ever faced, I felt as though god was punishing me for what I said about him the night before. Losing my brother broke me but losing him gave me the strength to leave my abuser. Losing him also blessed me, my family in Alabama were able to buy me a plane ticket to Alabama they gave me a place to stay, they pushed me to get help from the safe house, and they helped me get my  Independence for the first time in my life. I have also been blessed with a guy who has taught me how to communicate, love, show affection, to compromise, and to be happy. God used my brother’s death to make me, and to save me. They showed me that it was up to me to take my life in to my own hands, and they have taught me that I may not be perfect but I am beautifully flawed."

RECOVERY, REBIRTH, SELF DISCOVERY, and HOPE!!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we are sharing powerful stories from current and former SafeHouse clients. 

*Warning* Some of the stories we will share this month do contain details of violence, sexual assault, and/or child abuse. Identifying information may have been removed or changed to protect confidentially. 

"I married a guy back in 2009. He was so charming and suave! Until he wasn’t...

He only put his hands on me a couple times but that’s not the abuse that tore me apart! I could defend myself physically, but boy did he LOVE his mental and emotional games! He was crude, hurtful, and had no remorse. Everything was my fault and he would apologize “if he ever did anything wrong.” I never heard an “I am sorry” in eights years of dating and marriage, and to this day he would tell you that I was too emotional or should have just let him drink or have his drugs and I should have just left him alone... when he couldn’t get to me he would turn his attention and harshness towards my daughter, the little girl he decided to adopt and give his last name too when she was eight. By ten he was sexually abusing her (I just recently found this out) he made her, a child, feel like she deserved it and it was the only way she could be loved! My son still gets to go see him and it unnerves us when he is with his dad, and my son is afraid of his dads temper! And the story goes on... but y’all - there is RECOVERY, REBIRTH, SELF DISCOVERY, and HOPE!!

The kids and I left 4 years ago next month, and things while still a work in progress are so much better than what they were! I have learned that it’s ok to have been a victim, that it’s ok to admit that I was and am scared of him! I have learned that my thoughts and feelings, might not be the same as others, but that they are mine and just as important as anyone else’s!  I have come to love and respect myself and others! I have learned to express myself in healthier ways, not to be passive-agrees I’ve, but to be assertive in a respectful way. It ok and actually normal and a great thing to have boundaries for yourself and for others. It’s ok to have expectations for others to respect you! And the hardest, best, and most rewarding part has been watching and helping my almost 17 year old daughter come out the other side of the emotional distress she kept buried for six years! She is doing better than she was!! I am better than I was, and my son has a better chance not to be like his dad now that the influence is not a daily constant! Do not ever give up on yourself! Go to therapy, find others that relate, talk about it! Don’t hide! Make the transition from victim to survivor!  It’s a daily process, and some are better than others, but it’s worth it because YOU ARE WORTH IT!

I am now happily married to a man who loves me and my kids without conditions, who is patient and does his best to be understanding! He loves the kids as his own and I have been given the privilege to add to my family three more wonderful kids that fill the gap between my two, as well as a great friend in his ex wife who has been through similar.

I am thankful for those family and friends who have walked through this with me and for Safe House who’s work is so important to people like us! Thank you!!

And to those of you who have similar stories, there is Hope and a Future for you!" 

There is a Rainbow after the Storm

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we are sharing powerful stories from current and former SafeHouse clients. 

*Warning* Some of the stories we will share this month do contain details of violence, sexual assault, and/or child abuse. Identifying information may have been removed or changed to protect confidentially. 

"The best thing I did for myself was leave my abuser. After 1 year and several near death experiences, I finally had the courage December of 2019. The next day a girl in our community was shot dead by her abuser. I thank God everyday that was not me and easily could have been me. What helped me the most was my faith in God and regaining the community I lost or was not allowed to have. I changed everywhere I went including my gym and church, mostly for safety reasons, but found the change was good and helped me grow. I sought out activities that helped me become stronger mentally and physically including cross-fit & learning how to shoot a gun. These activities empowered me and gave me peace of mind. At the end of the day a restraining order did not help me and the justice system is broken, so I knew I needed to protect myself. Finally I have a career as a Behavior Analyst, so I found educating myself on abusive relationships helped me to see who my abuser really was and predict his behavior. 

The joy I have found after I made the decision for MYSELF to leave has truly been immeasurable. There is a rainbow after the storm, I promise."

Program Spotlight: The Emergency Shelter

The word “shelter” can bring to mind different images. Some may hear that word and think of a safe place. Others may associate the term with an image of one large room filled with sleeping cots. It’s often the unknown of the meaning of the word shelter that makes victims of domestic and sexual violence hesitate before reaching out for help.

The dinning room has plenty of space for everyone to eat. 

The emergency shelter at SafeHouse is staffed 24/7 by trained Advocates. 56 beds are spread throughout 12 rooms, and each of those 12 rooms has its own bathroom. Residents share a large, restaurant quality kitchen. There is also a playground and a childcare room that families may use.

Even adults love to spend some time on this swing set!

We believe shelter should be more than a bed. It takes support to leave an abusive relationship and to get back on your feet. That is why every resident is assigned a case manager to help provide residents with the resources they need to find jobs, clothing, household items, and permanent housing. A full-time counselor is also available for individual, group, and family sessions. The child and family Advocate provides childcare while the parent is in case management and counseling, and she plans activities and field trips for the kids.

SafeHouse works hard to ensure residents associate our shelter with a safe place. Going into a shelter is never an ideal situation, but we try to make our clients comfortable as they begin the hard road to rebuilding their lives. It’s why we choose to call ourselves SafeHouse.  

Shelter staff loves to throw parties for the residents. The fall festival is one of our favorites! 

We are here if you need us. Our emergency shelter can be reached 24/7 at (205) 669-7233 or 669-SAFE.

All 12 rooms were recently repainted and refurnished. Our Board of Directors did a great job on this room! 

                       Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter- @SafeHouseShelby 

Let's Talk About It

Consent = permission for something to happen or agreement to do something

You may have seen our video from earlier this week, “Consent is not…” If you haven’t, we encourage you to check it out on Facebook and Instagram. Learning about what consent is and what it is not is only part of the conversation. How do we teach consent to kids and teens?

Start early- you don’t have to talk about sex to teach consent.

Consent is about so much more than sex. Start the conversation with kids young so they already understand the concept of consent long before you have the talk with them. Model consent for your kids. “Would you rather hug or fist bump?” “Do you want a goodnight kiss tonight?” Respect the answer your child gives you. It may be difficult not to give your child a hug, but it empowers them to know they have control of their body. When they become teens it will make it easier for them to tell their friends and dating partners what they want, and they are more likely to respect the boundaries set by others.

Talk openly- create a safe space for your child or teen to ask the tough questions.

You will probably feel uncomfortable talking about consent and/or sex, and that’s okay. Be honest with your child and teen. You won’t fool them anyway if you lie about not feeling awkward. Talk to them and not at them. Ask their opinion and listen to what they say. Also try to make your questions open-ended to keep the conversation flowing. Talk openly and talk frequently, even if your child and teen gets tired of the conversation. Kids and teens get tired of a lot of things we say to them (“Do your homework.” “Take out the trash.” “Because I said so.”) and that doesn’t stop us. Consent is no different. Talk about it even if your child and teen doesn’t want to.

Educate yourself- don’t go into these conversations before doing your research.

Having a hard time talking openly to your kids and teens about consent? You are not alone. Not sure how to keep those conversations age appropriate? It’s a struggle for a lot of people. Do some research first!

Below are great additional resources to check-out:

RAINN- What Consent Looks Like

Love is Respect- What is Consent?

The Trevor Project- Resources for LGBTQ Youth

NSVRC- 6 Resources to Help Parents Talk to Kids About Consent

Still not sure what to say? No problem. Show these videos to your kids or teens:

Consent for Kids

Tea and Consent for Teens

The SafeHouse Prevention Team has some great brochures on the topics of break-ups, sexting, and dating violence as well as other informational materials. Email Sarah, our Prevention Coordinator, at sarahr@safehouse.org to request our free materials. Sarah is also available for presentations and workshops!

Program Spotlight: Legal Advocacy Team

The court system can be scary and overwhelming. We believe no survivor of domestic violence or sexual assault should have to navigate that process alone. The Victim Advocate and Court Advocate answer questions about the process and attend court.

Protection from Abuse Orders (PFAs)

If you have experienced a domestic violence incident, someone may have suggested you request a PFA. But what does that mean? Protection from Abuser Orders are a type of restraining order specifically for intimate partner relationships. Our Court Advocate can help you complete the paperwork, and she always attends PFA Court. Once the PFA has been given to the offender, the offender can be arrested for contacting or coming too close.

*Due to COVID-19, the Shelby County Courthouse is closed to the general public, but you may still go to the clerk’s office to file for a PFA.*

Court Accompaniment

The Victim Advocate and the Court Advocate can accompany domestic violence and sexual assault victims to court. The Court Advocate will sit with clients during civil cases, such as divorces, and the Victim Advocate may attend criminal cases that relate to victimization.

Lethality Assessment Program

SafeHouse partners with our local law enforcement to provide the Lethality Assessment Program (LAP). Police Officers called to the scene of a domestic distrubance can use an 11 question screening tool to help them assess if a domestic violence victim may be in danger of homicide. That officer will then call the crisis hotline on the victim’s behalf. The Victim Advocate tries to make contact within 72 hours after someone has been screened through the LAP.  

Contact Us! 
Do you have a PFA or are you interested in requesting one? You can reach out to Abby to learn more about the process. Email her at abbyb@safehouse.org

The Victim Advocate is happy to help with any criminal case that relates to domestic violence. Email Elizabeth at elizabethc@safehouse.org

SafeHouse also runs a 24/7 crisis hotline for domestic violence and sexual assault victims seeking services. Call 205.669.7233 to get more information about emergency shelter, sexual assault forensic exams, counseling or case management.