“Why doesn’t she just leave?”

It seems simple. Why stay in an unhealthy and dangerous relationship? Leaving the abuser will fix everything.

Except, far too often leaving doesn’t fix anything.

Ending an abusive relationship can be dangerous, and we recommend having a plan before leaving. We call this safety planning, and it's important to have safety plans before, during and after separation. Some victims of domestic violence feel safer in the home with the abuser because of the fear of what the abuser may do if they leave.

Domestic violence follows a pattern, and it's important to recognize each stage. Abusive relationships are not bad all the time. There is a "calm" or "honeymoon" stage when everything seems fine in the relationship. But it is after the calm when the abuse starts to happen. Breaking the cycle is hard because a honeymoon stage is safe and happy. There can easily be false hope that the honeymoon stage will last and that the abuse is over. Often, the domestic violence cycle is normalized because healthy relationships also have conflict and honeymoon stages.

So, why doesn’t she just leave? Very likely she has tried. Most victims of domestic violence will leave an average of 7 to 8 times before completely separating. There are many other barriers in addition to what is discussed here.

Let’s do what we can to make leaving safer and easier for them!

• Believe victims when they disclose abuse.
• Tell them about SafeHouse or whichever domestic violence response center that serves their county.
• Help with transportation. Offer a ride to the domestic violence shelter or take the victim to work each day.
• Baby-sit their kids or help take care of pets.
• Volunteer or donate to your local domestic violence response center. 

SafeHouse serves domestic violence victims in Shelby, Clay and Coosa counties. Call our 24/7 crisis hotline to seek shelter or to learn more about our resources.

(205) 669-7233