“Why doesn’t she just leave?”

It seems simple. Why stay in an unhealthy and dangerous relationship? Leaving the abuser will fix everything.

Except, far too often leaving doesn’t fix anything.

Ending an abusive relationship can be dangerous, and we recommend having a plan before leaving. We call this safety planning, and it's important to have safety plans before, during and after separation. Some victims of domestic violence feel safer in the home with the abuser because of the fear of what the abuser may do if they leave.

Domestic violence follows a pattern, and it's important to recognize each stage. Abusive relationships are not bad all the time. There is a "calm" or "honeymoon" stage when everything seems fine in the relationship. But it is after the calm when the abuse starts to happen. Breaking the cycle is hard because a honeymoon stage is safe and happy. There can easily be false hope that the honeymoon stage will last and that the abuse is over. Often, the domestic violence cycle is normalized because healthy relationships also have conflict and honeymoon stages.

So, why doesn’t she just leave? Very likely she has tried. Most victims of domestic violence will leave an average of 7 to 8 times before completely separating. There are many other barriers in addition to what is discussed here.

Let’s do what we can to make leaving safer and easier for them!

• Believe victims when they disclose abuse.
• Tell them about SafeHouse or whichever domestic violence response center that serves their county.
• Help with transportation. Offer a ride to the domestic violence shelter or take the victim to work each day.
• Baby-sit their kids or help take care of pets.
• Volunteer or donate to your local domestic violence response center. 

SafeHouse serves domestic violence victims in Shelby, Clay and Coosa counties. Call our 24/7 crisis hotline to seek shelter or to learn more about our resources.

(205) 669-7233

#RelationshipGoals

As you may already know from following our social media accounts, February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM). Our Education Specialist took over the Instagram and Facebook pages to educate our followers on this issue. She worked hard to create the amazing graphics you have been seeing the last couple of weeks.

Why is it so important to our Prevention Team to spread the word about TDVAM?

As the Education Specialist has explained, “Young people (ages 11-24) who are in abusive or unhealthy relationships are at a higher risk of experiencing domestic violence (DV) in relationships they have as adults. Teens and young adults often think some behaviors, like teasing and name-calling, are a ‘normal’ part of a relationship—but these behaviors can become abusive and develop into serious forms of violence.”

We encourage all parents and guardians to take signs of dating violence seriously, because the dating habits teens form often follow them into adulthood. Teens deserve to have healthy relationships now and in the future.

What can you do if you think your teen is experiencing dating violence?   

·         Listen and support your teen.

o   Be patient.

o   Remember it is not their fault and be sure to tell them so.

o   Try to stay calm while having the conversation.

·         Believe your teen if they open up to you first.

o   Don’t minimize the abuse.

·         Show concern.

o   “You don’t deserve to be treated like this.”

·         Focus on the behavior of the person.

o   “I don’t like the way he/she treats you.” Instead of “I don’t like him/her.”

·         Avoid ultimatums, such as threats to punish your teen if they don’t stop dating the person.

·         Be prepared.

o   Educate yourself and practice talking to your teen BEFORE this happens.

What to learn more? Here are some great resources:  

RAINN

Love Is Respect

Trevor Project

Our Prevention Team is available to speak at high/middle schools, colleges, churches, community groups and businesses. Contact one of our staff for more information.

Sarah, Prevention Program Coordinator sarahr@safehouse.org

EP, Education Specialist epcade@safehouse.org